Over the past few months both at work and in my personal life I have had to engage in several difficult discussions. Conversations requiring a significant level of confrontation. Usually, I am quite diligent when it comes to addressing sticky or sensitive issues in a timely manner. I had a lot of pressing projects going on and some personal matters I was processing through and had allowed several discussions that needed to be dealt with get put off until a more “convenient” time.

As a result, I found myself getting a bit restless. Anxiety, stress, and tension began to build up robbing me of peace and rest. I’m pretty self-aware and could tell I was expending a lot of emotional energy.  When that happens, I become keenly aware relationships are impacted, nerves get frayed, and I lose my edge and sense of well-being.

I knew continuing down this path would not end well, so I took a down day to get my bearings and develop a plan. Over the next several days I took decisive action. First, I set up appointments with those I needed to talk to. Next, I wrote down all the issues that needed to be discussed, gathered and documented needed information, and wrote out desired outcomes to resolve all pending issues. And I made a personal commitment to reconcile and restore any relationships rifts.

Here are some important steps to take when needing to have difficult discussions. First, if at all possible, don’t delay the discussion. Take personal responsibility to act quickly. Second, defuse the emotion. Don’t allow emotions to dictate or determine the direction the conversation goes. Remain calm. Third, deliver the facts. Deal with the issue in a straightforward manner. Make sure you have all the facts. Be sure to listen carefully to their side of the issue. So many conflicts and misunderstandings can arise because neither party has all the information.

Don’t deviate from the main issue. In other words, don’t go down rabbit trails and get distracted. Stay on track and wrestle each issue to the ground. Demonstrate grace and humility. If you discover you are in the wrong, be very quick to own it and take responsibility, ready to make any needed restitution. If the other person is in the wrong and acknowledges it, don’t gloat, demonstrate grace and humility, the relationship is more important than being right. Yes, it is important to confront conflict, and deal with issues as forthrightly as possible. But the goal should be to resolve the issues causing conflict while doing everything possible to retain, restore, and reconcile the relationship.

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